Listen up kids

I know that I’m Mummy right now,that over time I’ll become Mum. But I’m also Caroline. I was here before you and my whole reason for being wasn’t always just the two of you.

I know stuff. I’ve done stuff. You must remember this. Because there will be days when you’re all like,‘Yeah,yeah.’

Like your big cousin is right now. She knows best. Looks at her Mum with that look. That ‘You don’t get it,how could you?’look. I know that look,I invented that look,practised on your Nanny for years.

Right now I know everything there is to know about you. Absolutely everything. And you know just a smidge about me. Over the years that balance I know will shift,change. But here are a few things that I’d like to tell you about me that gives you an idea on what came before you.

1. I’ve had my heart broken. I do know how it feels. I will hold you when you feel like you can’t breath anymore,when you’re physically hurting,when you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to have a day in your life not thinking about that person. When I say I understand,I will mean it. I will never say it lightly.

2. You weren’t our only babies. One slipped away before you two big,healthy,chubby babies came along. I don’t think about it lots,I know that some things aren’t meant to be and it sometimes feels like it never happened. But I do know that somewhere in a bag in the attic there is a photo of a fresh faced me,ecstatic,beaming and holding the double lined pregnancy test up to your Daddy in delight.

3. I have been skinny dipping,had sex outside and been very very stoned on more than one occasion. Been potholing,swam through the rising tide of a underwater cave and surfed waves in three different countries. I’ve had a stalker,scaled a mountain without my bra on and vomited Southern Comfort down my nose. I’ve served Roger Black a cup of Earl Grey tea,checked 80′s singing legend Sonia into her hotel room and shouted at Ian Woosnam to pipe down,get the hell down off that table and no you can’t have a last one for the road. *Not all on the same night*

4. I wish more than anything that you’d met my Dad. To you guys it probably doesn’t make any difference as you have a loving Granda and Papa but I would like nothing more than to have seen him hold your hands. Your Papa is devoted to you both,has endless patience for teaching you new things,makes you smile with his attempts at guitar and I know is itching to get his magic tricks out once you’re old enough. Your Granda would chat to you for hours,throws you high in the air,takes it in turns to run around the room giving you ‘airplanes’whilst his back screams in pain,not stopping until I tell you you’ve had enough. But still,I do wonder what my Dad would have done with you,what would have been his thing.

5. When it came to childbirth,I don’t want to brag but,I was pretty bloody brilliant at it. I actually *sort of* loved it. With you Miss L I took everything on offer. Tens? Birthing pool? Gas and air? Morphine? Epidural? Ooh,yes please. With you Little P I did it all on my own. And I can confirm that they do not give out medals for doing it like that. They were the most agonising,incredible,messy,crazy experiences I’ve ever had but I’ve never felt so positively in control.

See. There is more to me than wiping bottoms,running late and breaking up arguments.

I get it. I totally get it. And I’m actually pretty cool. Just you remember that little ladies.

This post was written as part of Ella from Notes from home‘s Friday Club Carnival.

Photo credit:Mrs J Park